Earlier I posted about how prior to becoming pregnant with AE, I had decided I wanted to test out my ability to become a competitive runner. I used to be, like many middle school and high school athletes, a "competitive" runner. I was good enough to frequently have my results published in our local area paper and to be mentioned in a blurb about a meet. I was good enough that I frequently medaled or placed well in races. I was good enough to be recruited by NCAA 2 and 3 schools for my running. (I can't list running in college here because of an injury that side-lined me for several years.)
So you might find yourself asking, why do I put the word 'competitive' in quotations above or why do I want to test my ability when clearly it appears that I was tested and I was competitive.
Answer: I wasn't.
Despite all of my previous accomplishments in the sport, I wasn't really competitive. I had talent. I can run. My body is made for and responds well to the sport of long distance running. But having talent - the ability to do something - is totally different than wanting to do it well. I simply ran because it was easy for me. I didn't have to overly challenge myself to have success. I ran because it was fun to hang out with the girls and the fact that I was decent at it was an added bonus. I have a competitive nature, so it was easy to challenge myself during a race, but I never challenged myself during a practice. I chatted through every run - it was social hour at 6 am for me - while I should have been running with the boys. My dad used to tell me that I was uncoachable. Meaning that I didn't listen to the advice of my coaches or my dad, that I didn't put in 100% of my effort in practice or even in my races. I was good enough without trying and that was good enough for me.
Of course, I was merely a typical teenager and hindsight is 20/20, but I now feel like I wasted those years. I wish I attempted to challenge myself then. If with putting in the bare minimum, I was able to do ok, how would I have been if I had put in a concentrated effort? Now I regret not trying to run with the boys, with making it a social event, with not putting in extra time on the road/track.
I regret not trying.
Which brings me to last year and my decision to try. Last summer, I started upping my mileage to running on average 4-4.5 miles per run with respectable times. I took the month of August off because the first month of school is exhausting and I was trying to find time and energy to get on the road again. After a successful summer of running, I thought a break of a few weeks wouldn't be too bad. Then I found out I was pregnant and it was put on hold. And while running while pregnant is a totally different post, I have been itching for 10 months to get out there again. It's been frustrating to set a goal, to have a vision, to make up for years of wasted potential, to only have no control over at least trying to make it happen.
Somone might say, "Well, it was only a few months. You'll be back at it." But that's the thing, and maybe it's the fact that I'm turning 30 this year, but a few months seem like an eon. And now I'm starting COMPLETELY over. Further behind than I was last summer. Weighing more than I did last summer. I have no legs, no cardio, and other issues that I'm dealing with. Yes, I can overcome these things and I will, but it's been frustrating to sit on the sidelines and see others improving when I can do nothing. It's frustrating to start over. Again.
I realize the only way to overcome them is to get out there and do something about it, which I am. If you notice my dailymile ticker, I've been fairly consistent in getting a run in almost every other day the last 2 weeks. I have plans, once I can run 4 miles again, to join up with a local running group to help motivate me in my next step to reaching my potential.
So my ultimate goal here? To see what I can do if I put an effort into my running. What will I be able to do if I don't allow it to be just a social event and rather train, put the miles on the road, and compete with a full bag of tricks and not just on ability.
It comes down to being able to answer the question: Can I be competitive locally?
I think to do otherwise will waste the God-given talent I was once given and hopefully still have and I don't want to live with regret.
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